Recovering from a Difficult or Traumatic Birth

The reality of our healthcare landscape often means that new parents begin their postpartum period with birth experiences that need deep processing and that include a wide range of feelings that aren't only the joy of meeting your baby. Arguably, birthing in our current medical system most of the time gives way to disappointment, anger, and frustration, and resentment of others who had a better experience. Even if there was no emergency, it's likely that you will leave your birth with a need for some amount of processing. 

Birth trauma exists on a continuum, from care providers' comments that dismiss your confidence in your inherent ability to birth, to having a baby separated at birth to go to the NICU, a "stalled" labour, instrumental delivery, disruption of the golden hour, unwanted touch of your body, or the sometimes deep disappointment that comes with an emergency or unplanned cesarean birth. 

The most important thing to remember coming out of an experience that didn't go how you wanted is that it was not your fault. You are one individual birthing in a landscape of obstetric violence. Your body and your baby's body are responding to the environment around them. And, even if that is a beautiful, patient and nurturing birth environment that supports progression, sometimes the body or the baby has a different plan. Birth going to plan has mostly to do with luck. Yes, there is a lot of preparation involved. But, doing the mental and physical preparation for delivery is one part within a landscape of a system that is used to your birth looking and going a particular, hegemonic, controlled, and disempowering way. 

After a difficult delivery, you may feel alienated from your partner, your baby, and your doctor. You may feel alienated from yourself and your body, violated, or ashamed. You might feel worse if others are making comments about how happy you should feel now that your baby is here. Please know that you don't need to be over the moon or rush to bond with your baby. There is plenty of time to bond with your baby. The most important thing after a hard birth is to tend to your needs. 

So, what might those needs be? 

Space and quiet for you and your baby to rest at the hospital immediately after birth and hands off from nurses and providers. Low or no interruptions on the postpartum unit. 

No visitors to your house, or only visitors who will understand and support that you may not feel the happiness and satisfaction that you thought you would with your new baby. 

Help from a mental health practitioner who understands the specific intricacies of birth trauma.

Support groups for new parents who had similar difficult birth experiences (see perinatal resource list) 

Nutritious meals of your favourite warm food. 

An artistic outlet. You may choose to draw a picture of how the birth experience felt, what moments felt the most difficult and violating, and rip the paper up when you are finished. You may choose to dance or listen to loud music to let the energy of anger and disappointment move through and out of your body.

Connect with nature. Take your baby for a walk, or go with a partner or a trusted friend to a park or near water. Notice what your body feels like as it is in that moment with the changes of postpartum. You might choose to say something out loud to yourself or give yourself a self-hug. 

File a complaint with the hospital or care provider. Let the hospital know that you were disappointed and upset with the care you received and exactly why. The more people who speak up about these violations, the more change will occur to disrupt obstetric violence. 

What do children do when they feel angry and disappointed? They scream, yell, cry, and stomp. I strongly believe that adults should do this more! Use sound and force to release the energy of the disappointment of anger through and out of your body. 

Have a pretend or real conversation with yourself, your provider, or your baby. Imagine what you or your baby needed to hear in the moments that felt the hardest. There is nothing wrong with my body. My body is important. My body withstood a lot. My baby withstood a lot. My instincts were violated and it wasn't fair. Other people have beautiful birth experiences and I didn't get that and it isn't fair. Say these things out loud to yourself and perhaps try a self-hug while you are saying them. 

Rest in bed for as long as you need. Cover yourself in warm blankets or a heating pad. Have a stay-cation with your baby for as many days as you need until you feel like you are ready to face the world again. 

Accept help from partners, friends, and family members or a doula who understands your feelings and isn't going to push any other feelings onto you. Let the housework, cooking, and cleaning be a village effort while you pick up the pieces. 

There is no need to bounce back from any type of birth, especially a difficult one. Taking the time to be with yourself and accept all the feelings that come with birth and postpartum is incredibly important on the road to healing. 

You will need anger, sadness, and rage to navigate parenthood just as much as you will need joy and tranquility. It is my hopes that the more we talk about birth trauma, the more we can open ourselves to these feelings as welcome visitors, and see what they can teach us about building a future of empowering births for generations to come.